Keeping What I Have
On certainty, risk, and choosing what I can see
Over the past few weeks I’ve been reconnecting with people I haven’t spoken to in years.
On the surface, it’s because of the voluntary retirement program. We all have thoughts. We all have feelings. Some are still deciding. Some are certain. Some are holding both at the same time.
But the best part has been the reconnection itself.
It’s reminded me how many thoughtful, interesting, genuinely good people I’ve worked with over the years. My time here has been rich in ways that are easy to forget in the day to day.
Something else has shifted too.
I’ve felt more relaxed.
The other day I was eating lunch by myself. Someone I’ve worked with for years, but only tangentially, came over and asked if she could join me. Or if I’d prefer to be alone.
I tend to give off a “leave me alone” signal. That day, apparently, I didn’t.
We had a lovely conversation. The kind where you realize you’ve worked alongside someone for six years without ever really knowing them. We talked about work, and then about life, and then about the voluntary retirement program.
She asked if I was eligible. I said yes.
She asked if I’d decided. I said I had.
She asked if I was open to sharing, but made it easy to decline.
I told her I’m not avoiding the topic. And then we discussed my plan.
What I didn’t say, but have been thinking about, is this.
I grew up watching Let’s Make a Deal.
The premise always made me uncomfortable. The idea that you could give up something known for whatever was behind Door #1. The audience loved it. The uncertainty was the point.
I never did.
I’m not a gambler. Even something like a 401K can feel stressful to me. I build plans, and then I build plans for those plans.
So when I think about this moment, it feels less like a career decision and more like being on that stage.
Here is the offer I can see.
Or I can choose what’s behind the door.
For weeks, the waiting was the hardest part. Not knowing what the offer would be. Not being able to evaluate it. Sitting with uncertainty without any edges.
Now I know what I have.
I still don’t know what’s behind the door.
And I’ve realized something about myself.
I’m the contestant who keeps what she has.
Even if something amazing is behind the door, I’m still okay with that choice.
And it turns out that keeping what I have isn’t the end of the game.
It’s the start of one I get to design.
Alison + Wiggins