Then Don't Go
It took me years to believe I was allowed to skip the meeting
Years ago I was complaining to a boss about how many meetings I had to attend.
He said, “Then don’t go.”
He had a simple rule. He looked at each meeting invite and asked himself: Will I be fired if I don’t attend this? If the answer was no, he often declined.
I was shocked.
This was a director giving me permission to walk away from meetings.
Even with permission, though, I couldn’t do it.
Over the years my calendar became packed with meetings. To get coding done, I worked nights and weekends instead. In theory I could have delegated more of the implementation work. Maybe I should have.
But the truth is, I liked keeping my hands in the code.
I still do.
So I would work until I collapsed, recover for a bit, then start the cycle all over again. I know I’m not the only person who’s lived that pattern.
Earlier this year I moved back into an IC role and my meeting load dropped significantly. Suddenly there was space to breathe again. Space to think. Space to build.
It felt amazing.
Then the VRP happened.
Now I’m intentionally trying not to get deeply attached to anything new. I have vacation planned during my final month. My focus is knowledge transfer and handoff. I’ve started showing up to work a little later. I’m more relaxed than I’ve been in years.
This morning there was an 8:00 kickoff meeting.
I didn’t attend.
I watched the chat scroll by for a while and realized something surprising: I was just deeply, profoundly happy not to be there. Reading the chat was just pissing me off, the posturing and what felt like wasting time.
And immediately I thought about that conversation from years ago.
About permission.
About how long it can take before we actually believe we’re allowed to use it.
I think a lot of us spend years attending meetings we no longer need to be in because once you become available, people start treating your availability as capacity.
Alison + Wiggins